Fear in an Emergency: Working While Black

May 19th, 2024 is a day that has changed me. It was the most horrifying start to my afternoon at The Lamb Shoppe in Denver. There was the Colfax Marathon going on and I figured it may take me a bit longer to get to work than usual. And it did-- I got in about a half hour early, planned on eating my lunch and maybe get a little knitting done before my shift began at noon. For the first time in ages, I was the first person in on Sunday. Usually a regular instructor is there prepping for her class, or the shop owner is there with her group of people. But this Sunday-- I was it, so I knew what to do-- unlock the front door, lock it behind me, then get to the back of the store to turn off the alarm. I had 60 seconds. But for some reason, I could NOT get it disarmed and the noisy countdown had my heart thundering away…and after the 6th or 7th failed attempt, it went off!! So ear splitting and I instantly went into full panic mode, with just a tiny little part of my brain able to recite what to do- get the phone, the alarm company would call and give them the secret word.

So I ran to the front desk to grab the phone because I knew that when the alarm company called, I wouldn't hear the phone ring over the racket. Oh, and before I forget to mention-- my primary hearing aid (the one I rely on the MOST) had stopped working earlier in the week and I had a 20 year old hearing aid in that ear and it doesn't work very well... Anyway, with the shop phone in my pocket, I suddenly realized that I didn't actually remember what the magic word was! So I started rifling through my bag for my cell phone and couldn't find it. Oh geez! Did I forget it at home??!!

Well the alarm company called but I couldn’t hear them on the phone (the alarm was still shrieking away and my hearing aid just couldn't pick up the voice on the phone. I just heard a series of clicks after hearing them identify themselves. I thought they were gone so I hung up and resumed the search for my cell phone because I desperately needed to get on the shop's group chat to find out what the magic word was, and also get some advice on what the heck to do about the alarm! I finally upended my bag and found my cell and started texting the group- I was terrified that the police were coming and I simply didn't know what to do at that point. Maybe it will seem irrational to you-- yes, I work there, no, I'm not stealing anything, and for heaven's sake, I have an actual key to the store! But here is why I was so scared:

1. I'm black. Yes, I will say it because it's true.

2. I didn't know the magic word... in fact, I couldn't have told you my name in that moment.

3. I couldn't HEAR. I was very conscious that I wouldn't be able to make out anything an officer said or follow their instructions and I had painfully graphic visions of being roughed up by the police who think I'm not being compliant or worse-- shot.

4. I'm in an upscale yarn shop where I've often wondered what the perception was of my "belongingness" in that space.
   

Anyway, the alarm stopped all by itself suddenly and with my ears ringing painfully, I cautiously walked over to the panel to see what was happening and set it off again. Now I was terrified because I triggered the alarm a second time and still couldn't get it off. I kept punching in the alarm code to no avail. I decided to pivot and focus on trying to prepare for the police's arrival. First I unlocked the door so they could get in easily, then I was told (via the group text) to keep it locked. Then I tried to figure out where I could wait so I could also appear absolutely harmless. First I stood behind the counter, then decided it might be better to wait by the door, then thought maybe I should sit down in clear sight facing the door so no one would think I’m about to do something and I started to cry a little… should I call out "I can't hear! I'm hearing impaired" as soon as they came, or would that set things in motion, and OH MY GOD! I could no longer think straight.

I kept looking out the front door to see if I could see them coming, then moving away from the door so I didn't look dangerous. Then I saw my Sunday coworker coming down the sidewalk and almost passed out from sheer relief-- she's white and I knew everything would be ok. But all that adrenaline had me shaking and fighting to keep from crying again as I explained to her what had happened. When the door opened and this man stood there in the doorway asking what was going on, I almost died of fright. I could feel my legs turn to jelly.

Turned out it was the shop owner’s husband, and the alarm company called him twice! And after attempting to calm me down, he showed me that I pushed ONE wrong button on the alarm panel, which is why I couldn’t get it disarmed…. code + OFF, not code + STAY. A single wrong button could have literally been the end of me. All it would have taken was one nervous or racist cop. Morbid much? Maybe, maybe not. All I can say it, it was real.

I'll be honest-- nervous laughter and humor aside, I almost handed in my resignation that day. The random tremors still moved through me hours later as I sat on my sofa at home that evening reliving that event. I was trying to understand my instinctive reaction-- where did that instant and intense FEAR come from? I mean, yes-- black men and women have died from racism and ingrained over-reaction to the mere sight of us. But I knew (hoped? kidded myself?) that the odds were not that great that "it" would happen to me. But it wasn't zero. And that Sunday was the perfect storm for another tragedy, another headline in the news. It's the first time, really, that I've ever thought of my hearing impairment as a liability. I mean, it's an inconvenience, an annoyance, a disappointment (remembering my date at a Christopher Parkening concert and not being able to hear anything), a challenge- all yes. But liability? Yeah, that's a new one for me.