Get Free

GET FREE

She said cruel things to me all the time,

Whispering that I was never wanted, remember.

Not a birthday passed without this vitriol tossed carelessly my way,

A strange smile pulling at the corners of her mouth.

But she used to wash my hair over the basement sink,

Massaging my scalp and running warm water over my head.

She braided my hair into two pretty plaits and tied fat yellow ribbons around the ends.

She never yanked or pulled my shiny black hair-- just gently brushed it with baby oil on her palms.

You are a whore- why do you want to go to your friends' house?

No, your friends cannot play in the yard- stay in the alley!

"Come inside now!" followed by a resounding public slap,

My friends ran away in terror and confusion and never came back.

My first summer away, I came home unexpectedly for the weekend,

Her dentures flew out of her mouth in her surprise gasp of joy,

And she cried out my name and laughed over and over again.

She also painted my bedroom walls this really awful glossy mustard yellow.

You are fat- no one will ever be able to love you.

Are you a lesbian- why do you never bring home a boy?

You're nasty and you're going to go to jail!

You are too picky for someone with no options.

Lalo brought me home in his big blue pickup truck

To help me move a sofa to my new apartment.

Lo and behold- she came tripping down the sidewalk to tell us that she made breakfast-

Apparently, she baked a whole turkey with fixings, though it was only 8:30 in the morning.

(He later laughed into the uncomfortable silence in the truck as we left-

A huge tinfoil container filled with leftovers sitting on his console.

"Man... I wish you told me that your mom was going to do that-- I would have shaved!"

His jovial horse laughter filled the cabin as I held my head down in shame.)

I don't want her to touch any of my money- I want my son, and only my son!

It's YOUR fault they never come to visit, you won't let them and I hate you.

When is your fahter coming to get me- why did you put me here?

When is Otōsan coming to get me- I want to go home.

Before she passed, my mother had a moment of clarity.

I glanced up from my knitting and was shocked to see her staring at me.

So intently, with clear brown eyes- is that love I see there- I had to look away.

When I looked up again, she had slipped into her journey and never woke again.

I was with her when she took her last breath- fighting to breathe late in the night.

I called out her name and pressed the nurse's button as I wrapper her in my arms.

But no one came until next morning, and her soul was finally able to get free.

After minutes waiting for another breath, I let out a lonely wail because my mama was truly gone.

TMD 4/15/24

30-day poems with @beausia