Some Days
Some days I am so overwhelmed with the fear
That I’ve missed my turn and there won’t be
Another one in my lifetime.
I can’t figure out a way to go around and double back
Don’t know if I could still get through-
Or whether the gate been locked behind me.
Sometimes I am so tired of the struggles and the confusion,
I just don’t know what to choose- one’s so final and the other so uncertain.
I am so ready for this chronic pain to end.
Yes, my life is mine, and yet it is so NOT mine at all,
It seems that I don’t really have much of a say
Other powers push and pull and answers no questions.
To resist is to prolong the heartbreak and exhaustion;
To go along is to lose myself.
But to let go? Letting go might be a way back Home.
I miss my family, those who knows me well.
There is no one here to speak my name with complete recognition,
Or to really see me, exactly as I am, with love and want.
The stories that I’ve told myself are sloughing away-
Not just the walls that helped me to survive,
But also layers of comfort and security, all illusions.
Because in the end, they do not matter
I can’t live there any longer as I am actively dying,
And no one is coming for me.
5/17/24 TMD
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